- HEAR me -

I saw you look away
Is what you've seen too much to take
Or are you blind and seeing nothing?

-Bullet For My Valentine : Hands Of Blood-

My heart is worn out to keep beating
My lungs exhausted by all this breathing
My mind's too tired to keep grieving
My throat is too sore for more screaming
My eyes too swollen for more weeping
My wounds are too dry for more bleeding
My blood too drained for more streaming

-Sentenced : My Slowing Heart-

-My Cloud-

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!!Another chapter’s ending?
( Thursday, February 22, 2007 )

Salam. Ahhh, been a while since I mess around with this bloq, heheh, hmm, so anything new? Heheh, for me, nothing’s new, just leading a bending life, heh, just hoping so it wouldn’t break though. I wanna post up something before the CNY, but uhh, nothing interesting to be told, so it resulted to this. Heheh, better than never I guess.

It’s already morning, been reading comix all day long, just finish reading Battle Royale, hehe, not a good bedtime stories though, If you get what I meant, haha, hmm, by reading this stuff, it kept me wondering, do we humans like that? I mean, feelings, we falls for it do we? Whatever kind of feelings, fear, hate, happy, not happy, passion, obsession, hurt, impaired, arrogant, ignorant, compassion, shabby, selflessness, emptiness, lonely all that kinda things, we do fall for it, izzit? If we do so, why would we have this so called ‘feelings’? We might be leading a better life without it, don’t we? And mind you, that’s not the main question here.

While leading our life, we had encountered many things, learnt much, met many people, too many to abide I might say, and it wouldn’t end here and now, it’s going on, on and on, till its time. So, uhm, while doing so, we make friends, best friends, regular friends, friend’s friend, special friends, so-so friends, get the picture yet? So, why do we make friends? Izzit for comfort? For securities? For assurance? For acknowledgement? Or for just being occupied? And so, what we take friends for? Person? Necessities? Asset? Compensation? And, uhh, don’t make me the bad guy here, I’m questioning all these so I wouldn’t forget where I stand on in this huge chessboard. Others may be pushing me around like a pawn, or I might make a step like a knight, who may know?

Also, I like to stress out, not all are like you, ok, maybe some would say using ‘you’ is inappropriate, it was like blaming others, rite? Huhu, I do think so, ok, revised, not all are like us, using ‘us’ would make us on the same guilty level eh? Heheh, or to be better, not all are like what we think it is, and to be best, some of us are thinking alike, similar, how similar? We best root that answer ourselves, individually.

You see, for me, feelings are like perceptions, feelings are quite obscured, flexible, not fixed, each people had their own perception for anything, rite? As so feelings are, and please do not count out that these two can also be fabricated, masqueraded, that what make feelings somewhat deceptive, unreliable. I’m not talking bout others feeling upon us, nope, I’m talking bout our feelings upon others, and by others, I didn’t meant the people that’s always around you. Simple example, you saw somebody stealing food, what would you say bout that guy? “OOHH! There’s a bad guy” and that’s hate, pop out just instantly from your head. Or rather you would say “maybe he’s hungry and got no money” and that’s sympathy, pop out just like that. Hypothetically, what you had thought, represent where you put yourself in this massive chessboard of world. And by challenging ourselves with these, we would know where we put ourselves and where we actually stand on. It’s not entirely true, but most of the time, it’s proven to be correct, try it yourself, you’ll know what I meant.

And so, we tend to make good friends with people we had gained trust. By trust, I meant those we can cope up with, those who make you feel wanted, those who acknowledge you, those you feel safe with, those who you can talk to. So we see here, friends are being tampered by feelings, lost of feeling mean lost of friends. I’ve seen many, but maybe not enough for me to make up to a conclusion, but for what I’ve seen, that is somewhat true. And do not count out for the deceptive part, which is most dangerous of all, like a chained cat waiting for a dying rat, waiting for the prey to drop inside the feeding bowl, and don’t be surprised when we are stabbed at the back and broken a neck at that. Hehe, so, last question for this posting, where do YOU stand on? Or rather, where do YOU put yourself at? Am I defying the question from myself? Nope, I’ve had my answers, do you? As always, I’m gone. Better off with these feeling for now I guess, that’s what had driven me to writing all these. Heheh.

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!!One step away
( Friday, February 02, 2007 )

Salam. Hmm. Dah bukak sem pon, huhu, cepat sungguh masa berlalu, or aku ja byk melalukan masa cmtu ja? Ahaha, aku rasa pilihan kedua tuh paling tepat untuk aku, Alhamdulillah result aku pass suma, pass mmg stakat pass ja la, huahua, pointer x yah crita la, nak sebut pon segan, adeh. Huhu.

Hopefully sem ni akan jadi sem last aku kat sini, aku pon nak cuba bekerjaya plak, hehe, dak2 sebaya aku ramai dah yg dok gheja, aku pon nak gak buat duit sendri kan? hehe, walopon aku rasa best dah nak abeh stadi, tp aku rasa x syok la kena pisah ngan memembe suma, tp itu la adat kan? adat dlm kehidupan, pertemuan ada perpisahan, aku cuma bleh harap kita nya friendship x tamat skali ngan yg tamat pengajian la kan?, aku lupa dah suma kwn2 skolah rendah aku, aku just ingat nama, rupa x ingat langsung dah, geng2 skolah menengah mostly still in contact, and rakan2 kat sini, aku harap aku x akan lupakan depa suma, dah 4 taun aku dok MMU, fuhh, lama gak la, ramai yg aku kenai, mcm jenis pon ada, ahaha, lepas nih hubungan ngan memember kira sdikit tersekat la, x mcm skang neh, time nak lepak2 tuh kira dah kurang sket, lepas nih ada tanggungjwb len plak kita maseng2 nak kena tanggung, dok teringat zaman aku dok ostel dulu, best, most of the time kita ngan memembe ja, alahai, rasa x mo plak aku berenti pegang status student nih, adeh, haha.

So, kepada rakan2, aku nak ucapkan trima kaseh kat ampa suma pasai keep me occupied all these time, aku x kan lupa kenangan ngan ampa suma, aku x yah la sebut nama la kot? Satgi ada missing nama sapa2, kecik ati plak, heheh, ini untuk suma yg mengenali diri aku la, yg kenal, yg tau, yg suka, yg benci, walau apa pon peranan ampa dalam drama idop aku, aku x akan lupa kat ampa, kehadiran ampa la buat aku rasa aku hidop lg, hehe, aku penah mati skali, so aku x harap aku mati lagi skali. Even if you guys are not around me, you’ll always be close.

So, lastly, nak wish2 la plak, aku wish all the best to whatever thing yg ampa dok buat, aku wish ampa lead a good life, hmm, heppy besday utk Zue, besday dia 31st Jan aritu, hehe, Pak Tam besday arini, 2nd Feb, bila ang nak nikah Pak Tam? Lama dah aku dok tunggu nih, ahaha, lg, esok ramai sgt aa yg celeb besday, Mun, Sajeev Raj, Topek, hmm, then, all the best sapa x sapp lg, moga2 bleh pas, InsyaAllah. Hmm, selamat bercuti la kpada yg looking forward nak balek kmpung jumpa yg tersayang. Lg apa? Aaa, moga2 kwn aku yg sorang tuh cepat dpt gheja, bleh la open table kerap2, hakhak. K, rite, I’m gone.

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